Here is another essay written for ENG 101. It required use of a source (I have not included the work cited page here).

I have added some comments throughout the essay as pointers (in all CAPS), and I have added some general comments at the end of the essay as well. Approach this essay as if you were a peer editor in her class reading a draft. Don't read for the grammer "stuff," only for content. Try to figure out who the audience is, look for the thesis and think about how the essay is organized.

Theater or Home?

Almost everyone at one point or another has gone to a movie theater or rented a movie to watch in the home. We have all had good and bad experiences with both. The two different viewing styles can seem alike in many ways, but there are many differences in the cost, the quality, and the sociability of viewing a movie in a theater versus viewing a movie from home.

NOTE: HERE IS HER THESIS AND MAP, NOTICE THE ORDER OF THE POINTS SHE IS GOING TO COVER AND THAT SHE ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THERE ARE ELEMENTS OF COMPARISON AND CONTRAST IN HER TWO "SIDES."

One of the many concerns among college students today is going out and having fun while saving money. I could say one of the most common questions among my friends and I is "What can we do tonight that doesn't cost much?" Being college students, a movie would be a good choice. At the local AMC Luxury Theater, students can show a valid student ID card from the college and automatically get a reduced price of only five dollars for newly released movie (AMC). However, if we were to stay at home, we would have to drive to the move store, decide which (older) movie we would watch out of the hundreds to choose from, drive back home, put in the movie and pray for no problems with the quality of the used video. Although a rented movie only costs three dollars to rent, you still have the responsibility of retunring the movie on time to avoid the late fee. That is after you clean up from the mess, drive all the way back to the movie store and home again Therefore, with only one easy trip to the theater; with a choice of a few selected newer movies, you have already saved time, gas and money in the long run.

NOTE: THERE ARE SEVERAL PROBLEMS WITH THIS PARAGRAPH THAT ALL STEM FROM THE AUTHOR ASSUMING SOMETHING HAS BEEN PROVEN THAT HAS NOT BEEN DISCUSSED. FIRST, THERE IS THE PARENTHETICAL REFERENCE TO THE MOVIE BEING "OLDER." THIS IS NOT DEVELOPED HERE, BUT IT IS MENTIONED LATER AS A POSITIVE POINT FOR THE THEATER MOVIE--THAT it IS CURRENT; SECOND, THE AUTHOR MENTIONS THE NUMBER OF CHOICES YOU WOULD HAVE AT THE RENTAL STORE AS A NEGATIVE POINT, BUT NEVER SHOWS THE NUMBER OF CHOICES FOR THE THEATER AS A POSITIVE POINT (see the odd comment about "once decided" in the paragraph below); THIRD, THE QUALITY OF THE VIDEO IS MENTIONED, BUT THAT POINT IS NOT DEVELOPED UNTIL THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH; AND FINALLY, THE LAST LINE ABOUT WHAT IS SAVED (time, gas and money) IS NOT PROVEN--TIME: THE TIME IT TAKES TO GET READY TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC; GAS: I STILL HAVE TO DRIVE TO THE THEATER AND HOME AGAIN, AND THE THEATER IS FARTHER FROM HOME THAN THE CLOSEST VIDEO RENTAL PLACE; MONEY: IT COSTS MORE THAN THREE DOLLARS FOR THE THEATER (EVEN WITH DISCOUNTS), AND THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE DRINKS OR SNACKS.

The quality of the movie, once decided, is another big issue. In the theater, you have the nice luxurious love-seat stadium style seating, with plenty of leg room. "The new AMC theater will seat more people and will feature radius-curved seating, allowing each seat to face the center of the screen. It will also offer a greater choice of viewing films and viewing times" (Current). And who knows what they will come out with next: delivering snacks right to your seats? On the other hand, at home you won't have the same sound or picture. I remember when "Saving Private Ryan" came out in the theater. It was the best. Sitting in my seat, it felt like I was the one in war. The surround sound in the theater made the shot of a bullet seem like it was actually flying right my my head. I jumped every time thinking I should duck to miss it. Also, the graphics of the movie were excellent. On the big screen, seeing the bits and pieces of bodies mangled and thrown everywhere actually seemed like they had really lost the limb. It just wouldn't have had the same visual graphics or surround sound from watching it in front of your TV screen at home.

THIS PARAGRAPH AGAIN MAKES SOME ASSUMPTIONS--THE NEW AMC MAY HAVE THE LUXURY SEATS, BUT MANY THEATERS DON'T. THE THESIS IS JUST ABOUT HOME VERSUS THEATER, NOT ABOUT ONE PARTICULAR THEATER. BY THE SAME TOKEN, SOME PEOPLE HAVE BIG SCREEN TVs AND SURROUNDSOUND SYSTEMS IN THEIR HOMES.

Going to the theater is also a good idea to help a student be more sociable. A good ice breaker when meeting someone new would be to talk about a current movie playing in the treater. If you were to talk about a movie rented from a movie store, the likelihood of the person actually seeing the movie is very slim. I know in some of my classes most of the students talk among themselves and discuss what they did over the weekend. Many of the conversations would be, "Hey, did you see that new movie, such and such, that just came out?" Another reason to view movies from the theater is that you will be up to date and in style with all of your peers.

NOTE: MORE ASSUMPTIONS! MOVIES HIT VIDEO VERY QUICKLY THESE DAYS, AND WHILE A STUDENT MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SAY YES THEY HAVE SEEN THE VERY LATEST (IF THEY CHOSE TO RENT OVER THE WEEKEND), CHANCES ARE JUST AS GOOD THAT THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE THEY did RENT AND OTHERS WILL HAVE SEEN IT.

So the next time, when deciding to go to the movie theater or stay at home and rent a movie, you will know that you will save money, get a better quality movie, and be more sociable if choosing to go to the theater instead of renting one. So you can change all those good and bad experiences to great ones by "going to a local theater near you."

Overall the essay has some good points to be made. The biggest problem that can be seen here is the assumptions she makes about the sides of the contrast. Remember you need to have fair and equal treatment, and each point needs to be developed fully for each side. Also, since your thesis is often the "choice" you are trying to help your audience make, you want to be sure to address all of the major concerns and questions they may have (for example, my response to the author here mentioning the lack of quality sound and picture at home).

One last comment...DON'T USE YOU! Remember that you may be addressing an audience, thinking of their needs, etc., but you would very seldom actually write directly TO the reader.